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HIGH GEAR

WHAT WILL MY MOTHER SAY?

SEPTEMBER 1976

MS. DOROTHY BAROUSH

Judging from the occasional conversation overheard at gay social spots, there appears a significant number of gay people who have not told their parents of their sexual preference. This article is for you.

The three women interviewed herein are not meant to be representative of all mothers of gay children. They are, however, distinct individuals with different life experiences. High Gear wishes to thank Wanda Stevens, Dorothy Baroush and Irene from the Akron American for sharing their personal perspectives with our readers.

High Gear: How did you first find out your son was gay?

Ms. Stevens: He told me so. We were off to a wedding and just before we left, he mentioned it. I don't know why he chose this time to tell me, but perhaps it was because I was in a happy, festive mood.

Irene: I learned from his exwife. It was the reason for their divorce.

Ms. Baroush: In early adolescence, he displayed some rather self-destructive behaviors. I thought he had mental problems like paranoia or schizophrenia, never rerealizing he was having difficulty accepting his sexuality. At 16 he went away to New York where he got in touch with a gay community organization. Soon after, I received a seven page, single-spaced typed letter revealing the truth.

High Gear: What was your response at first and did that change later?

Ms. Stevens: I must confess

that there was initial shock. For some days after, I felt in the doldrums. But then, I began to reason that he was still the same personality. He was alive and well. After three weeks, I decided to snap out of it.

Irene: Frankly, I was upset. But now I see it as a fact and you have to accept it. I feel he has to lead his own life, as he sees fit. I support him in that since it is his choice.

Ms. Baroush: I had a mixture of feelings. First, there was a sense of relief. I finally knew what was going on, the realities of the situation. I suddenly had a clear knowledge and picture of the reasons for all his conflicts

Then there was the part, where did I go wrong?, the questioning. There's no way you can change the past; but i guess you can't avoid it. When I learned of his homosexuality, I told the remainder of the family, including his nine year old brother who didn't really understand it. They all rallied around him. him.

High Gear: Did you ever suspect your son was gay earlier in his life?

Ms. Stevens: Not at all. There was no reason for the thought to enter my mind.

Irene: No. I don't think it came about openly until later in life. My theory is that people are born this way. All the psychologists and psychiatrists in the world won't make a difference. I read astrology and I feel once a sign is charted there will be evidence of a particular inclination one way or another.

Ms. Baroush: I never suspected it. Later, I thought I should

MS. WANDA STEVENS have suspected that what was bothering him was coming to grips with his sexuality.

High Gear: Do other members of your family know and how do you handle relatives?

Ms. Stevens: All the members of our immediate family are aware. I have not yet been confronted by relatives, and if the situation arises, it should not be too difficult to hold rein over the matter.

Irene: Half the family knows, half doesn't. Half would not know how to handle it; but I would tell the truth if they approached me. After all, it's his life.

Ms. Baroush: I only have one brother and his wife in my immediate family. It was some time before I told them. One time we were discussing the problems our children create for us, and so I shared the truth. It was no big deal to them. They showed some concern over the difficulty it presents in society, but were not critical or upset.

High Gear: Do you ever find yourself wishing he were straight, for grandchildren or the like?

Ms. Stevens: To have such a thing would be more easily wished than done, since it is known that homosexuality has been around for ages. I'm sure we have all heard the expression, "If horses were wishes, beggars could ride."

Irene: Actually yes, I wish he were straight. It looks like I'm not going to have grandchildren ... A lot of people are uncomfortable with gays because they don't understand.

Ms. Baroush: My own per-

IRENE

sonal feeling is that he will miss a lot of joys in life like a family; but then he may have other satisfactions relevant to his own life style that I'm not aware of. One thing's for sure. I would not ever wish him back to the state where he was denying his homosexuality.

High Gear: What are your feelings about homosexuality in general?

Ms. Stevens: I feel that in all aspects of human behavior, each of us is at the helm of his own destiny. We therefore choose a mode of life that best suits us individually, our own well being and happiness. It stems from a personal prerogative. Irene: I don't dwell on homosexuality, really. I just treat

every gay person as an individual. I don't ask about their life style. Maybe they don't excel in heterosexuality, but they do elsewhere.

Ms. Baroush: I never gave much thought to it before I learned my son was gay. The Women's Movement helps me to deal with it. I see women trying to develop their own choices and lifestyles, so I gave my son the same privilege. I've also been active in theatre all my life, so I knew many young men who were gay in college and other places.

High Gear: Are you familiar with gay lifestyles, gay culture or the community in general? What are your impressions?

Ms. Stevens: I am not too familiar, but I aim to educate myself more as time goes on. It would be foolish not to.

Irene: Again, I don't look at

Photos by Al Morrill

anyone as being just gay. I guess I look at people as individuals apart from culture. I think there's a need for education. Most people have a wrong impression of gays. Many think they are all transvestites.

Ms. Baroush: I really don't have that much contact with it. I was even unaware that there was a gay community in Cleveland until Eric took me to the bars and showed me some other happenings. One thing that bothers me is that it appears that so many gay relationships are superficial and fleeting. I'm sure part of it is society's attitudes making it difficult for gay people to live together. I would like to see my son make a long-term commitment and have a longer relationship with someone.

High Gear: Do you think gay people should tell their parents they're gay or do you subscribe to the philosophy that what you don't know will not hurt you? Ms. Stevens: I think there should be complete honesty. It makes for better understanding. Every gay person should tell their parents, come hell or high water.

Irene: It depends on the individual's parents. If a gay person thinks the parents are capable of handling the situation, they should tell them. If they know their parents love them, that's half the battle.

Ms. Baroush: I think it's a very individual kind of thing. I feel when you're secretive or hiding things, your parents are helpless. At a Unitarian Universalist General Assembly I attended, there were some reac-